Music in Hell

In no way, shape or form is this article meant to be a link between music and religion. So for the sake of this article, let’s just pretend, and not get all bent out of shape as I continue on.

Saturday night I was sitting at my kitchen table, drinking aStella, while listening to my iTunes playlist pump out songs randomly.

At this point, I should make it clear that my music collection is absurd. I’ve spent the past 10 years, collecting, downloading and ripping any record, cassette and CD that I could get my hands on. It’s really gotten out of control. Nobody needs the AC/DC discography….trust me, I have it. What I don’t do is delete albums. I figure that at some point, there could be someone in my household who really wants to hear some New Kids on The Block, so my collection has become one big jukebox.

All of the sudden I hear Shiny Happy People come across my headphones and wonder to myself, how much R.E.M. must despise this song. It really is a horrible song. Even the video is painful. This got me thinking about other horrible songs which were written by reputable artists. And so I begin scrolling through my iTunes. But why not take this a step further and remove reputable from the equation, and just come up with a list of the absolute worst songs. (Please note that I am now just briefly listening to the garbage, writing down the name of the song and moving on. There is no way I’d be caught dead listening to Barbie Girl by Aqua. This is strictly for research purposes)

And now we are back to the religion aspect. If, when you died, there was really a place called hell (which I’m not saying there is or isn’t) I picture that Satan (again who may or may not exist) would be sitting in a DJ booth spinning these tracks non-stop. Of course as we all know, according to religious teachings, that nothing good happens in hell. It’s a place where you go to spend the rest of eternity, paying for your sins by walking on hot coals or having to listen to 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls on repeat. (again, depending on who you speak to, this may or may not be true) With all of this in mind, I will now present my Top 5 songs (in no particular order) being spun by the red man himself, DJ Flamethrower, Satan.

I should also note that anything done by Creed and Nickleback has been left off of the list, just for the simple fact that both of those bands could have easily dominated all five spots, with anything they’ve ever written.

1 – Barbie GirlAqua

Really…..I mean, really?? I have no idea how this song was given the thumbs up to be recorded, let alone become a massive hit. And to be honest, did parents even listen to the words in this song? Eight year olds running around singing “You’re my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain, kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky”.

2 – MacarenaLos del Rio

If I were to ever take a seizure, I’m sure it would be comparable to listening to this song. It became a worldwide hit in 1996… that one more time……A WORLDWIDE hit, selling millions of copies. A talent like Matt Mays is slugging it out in Canada, and Los del Rio made a bazillion dollars mumbling words that sound like a pack of drunk Cape Bretoners.

3 – Who Let The Dogs OutBaha Men

The title of the song along with some “woof woofs” make up about 70% of this song. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to write this one.

4 – NookieLimp Bizkit

Don’t you wish you could go back and forget those years when you thought it was cool to listen to Limp Bizkit. I know I do, and I’m pretty sure even Mr. Durst does as well.

5 – Brown Eyed GirlVan Morrison

Could there be a song more overplayed than Brown Eyed Girl. Every radio station, every cover band, and every bar plays this song on a regular basis. It’s like an audio version of Michael Myers. You can never get away. I can’t imagine having to listen to this song once let alone over and over again. The worst part of it is that it really is no reflection on how Van Morrison really sounds. Such a shame.

Honorable mention has to go out to, Mr. Jones (Counting Crows) Thong Song (Sisco) and MMMbop (Hanson).

Remember, this is not a list of the worst songs ever. It’s my own personal list of songs that would be played in my own hell.



About the author


Jeff is one-fourth of the group that makes up HAFILAX. His usual ramblings can be read right here on the website. If reading isn't your thing, he also hosts the Basement Tapes podcast.